I just want to give [up].
Firstly, I just want to say: I love you all.
Secondly, this past month has been exhausting, and WAY too many things have gone wrong.
I just want to give [up].
For some reason whenever I am in a bad mood myself, I am always wayyyy nicer to other people. In fact, I even find myself smiling more, tipping people more, or just genuinely going out of my way to ... oh, I don't know... just put some good effing vibes out into the world!? Or perhaps it's just so I don't have to admit to people that I'm not having the best day... Either way, I try to remember that we all have bad moments, bad days, bad weeks, and that sometimes: a smile or a door being held can go a long way.
Does it ever get acknowledged? Usually not. Does it make me feel better too? For the most part, Yes. Yes it does.
I guess what it really comes down to is "Why don't I treat myself as happily as I treat others?"
As I have mentioned, it's been a rough month... Frankly, I've been too overworked by my "day job" which has left me struggling to find energy to finish any of my own work. Which is... frustrating...
And to be even more Frank [ wait, who's Frank? 💁🏼✨ ], I've been having a hard time writing this post, because I'm just not happy with how I've been spending my time lately.
It is... frustrating...
It is frustrating when things keep not working out.
It is frustrating when you're working for someone who doesn't do their job.
It is frustrating when you just want to give love to the world, but can't find the time or energy to do it.
Clearly, I need to give [up]. I need to move on.
And this is something I'm not very good at.
I'm reallllly good at ignoring when things aren't working, and I'm reallllly good at acknowledging issues..... instead of just taking action to fix them. 💁🏼✨ #ugh
But really, when you don't want to do something, it's hard to know what the real issue is.
Am I being lazy? Wait, am I not supposed to be doing this in the first place?! Am I just not planning ahead? Am I supposed to try a little harder? Am I needing to take a step back? Is this too much for me? Or, am I just supposed to take a break? [ and by break, I mean vacation... ].
When I think about giving up, I think about the mornings where I said I wanted to wake up at 8:00 AM ... but didn't. The mornings I'm frustrated with myself for not having enough time to finish anything I want, and instead sleep through the day thinking of what I should have done instead...
Where what I should have done, is just enjoyed the morning "off". 🛌✨🙄
When I think about giving up, I think that for some reason: no one ever wants to talk about these moments. Because let's be honest, you can only say things like "I don't want to..." so many times before you sound like you're whining. It's almost as if these complaints aren't valid? or real? Or maybe, they should just be saved for your therapist... 😅
I want to acknowledge the fact that: Talking about life is difficult. Life is difficult. And writing about life being difficult... is even harder.
Over the past few days, I've thought a lot about what I can do to recharge my passions with the start of the new month. [ Wait, its effing August already?! ] That is to mean: I say I want to write. I say I want to sing. I say I want to dance. But for some reason, I'm still finding it difficult to empower myself to do these activities on my own and I'm tired of it.
Because when I'm alone, I have a hard time smiling...
💙 Ugh, Okay... I want you to know that I am okay. I feel safe. And I love you. I also just want you to know that I am not the "always happy person" some of you think that I am. So please, know that when you see me posting photos of me smiling, or of me dancing.... it's usually to try to lift my own spirits as well. And when you see me posting photos of myself being sad, it's usually paired with me spending way too time being afraid that you will judge me for posting it... 💙
So wait, what does this all mean?
I love you.
[ and I need your help ]
I cannot ignore the fact that people give me energy. Sometimes positive energy, and sometimes nervous energy. And to be honest, I'd truly love some more supportive energy right now. When I see that you like something that I created, it makes me smile. ✨😊 When I see that you took the time to write me a note after seeing something I made, it makes me want to reach out to people that inspire me. ✨🙌🏻😊 I'm not asking you to go back and like all of my posts, and this isn't just a plee for you to follow me... but really, I just want you to know that right now, I just need more smiles [ and obvi, some more emojis 💁🏼✨ ] in my life right now.
And so, I've decided that I need to start fresh with this new month and get realistic. How much do I want to write? How much do I want to Sing? How much do I want to relax and see my friends?
More like: How much am I willing to encourage myself not to give up.
What do you think?
Should I challenge myself to write a post every day this month?
Should I just quit my job?
Should I escape my problems and fly to fiji? [ probably... ]
So, I repeat:
I don't want to give up.
Instead, I want to give every one of us
A reason to look up. 💙
<3 - Eoin Thomas
*[ lol And literally, I just went to go pick up some dinner ( Thai food, duh 💁🏼✨ ) and when I was walking to the restaurant I was pretty tired and found myself staring off into space... but then the second I got to the restaurant, I realized I was going to have to interact with other people... So I started smiling. I gave them the time and the energy that I somehow have a hard time giving myself. Even on my walk home, the smiling continued and I of course ran into a friend of mine (whom I just had to give a big hug to!). So... I don't know.... maybe I just hope people will keep paying this forward?? ugh, okay... I need to sleep now. ✌🏻😘✨ ]
*Note to self* Back up your iPhone more regularly. 😭